I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
