There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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