The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize