Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize