He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
