I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
