she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
