If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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