I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize