If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
