In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
