Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
