this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Of course I have a pirate flag
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
