Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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