Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
