you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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