Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
