Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
