on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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