Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
