I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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