The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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