I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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