But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize