I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
