Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
