He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
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