we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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