Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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