you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
