i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
