i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
