i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
