So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
