im drinking this country out of the recession.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Randomize
