My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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