I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
