DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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