If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Randomize
