my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
