The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
