He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
