Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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