I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
