ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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