Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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