Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
