the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
