Your face is a jimmy john
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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