Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
