i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Randomize
