So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
