How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
