omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just invented taco cereal.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
