whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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