My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
