There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
