nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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