Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
